I want to live a healthier lifestyle. I want to be more productive. I want to have better relationships. At least once a year, I tackle one or more of the above ideas. I start with enthusiasm and do a lot of research. I dig deep. Look at the newest research. Play with ideas and plans. And I start big. And I mean BIG. Every time is an entire overhaul of habits. The trick is that I know I can implement and stick to those changes. For a few days at least.
I am smiling as I recall the numerous attempts that started just like that. My smile fades as I also remember how many times I failed at implementing those changes long term. For a very long time, I used my attempts at habit-changing as proof that my willpower was terrible. Shame-worthy. Non-existent. I have learnt that change is more subtle and multifaceted and requires more than just willpower.
I have learnt that change is more subtle and multifaceted and requires more than just willpower.
I want to live a healthier lifestyle, but_______.
Two tasks spring to mind when looking at the above line. One is that a healthier lifestyle is such a broad concept that I will most likely fail before I start if I don’t become specific. The second is that whatever comes after “but” is where the work lies.
What about my lifestyle do I want to change? I want to change the way I prioritise my need for rest. I know I can push myself to tackle the responsibilities of being a working parent who aims to be present and emotionally available for her loved ones. Doing my work well also means being present, grounded and emotionally available. Being an ethical and competent psychotherapist and a present parent and partner - are two of my life’s values and score high on my list of priorities. It also means when choosing between rest or the above two values, I will likely choose either or both rather than rest.
I want to prioritise my need for rest, but I can’t right now because I have to spend some time with my children/finish reading that new research article. What comes after “but” is where the work lies. I know my family and work matter to me, so I don’t want anything to change in that regard. However, not my whole day is filled with purpose-filled tasks. Choosing which to tackle and which to discard is where ambivalence kicks in.
To change means making a choice. And a choice means both gaining and losing.
I am gaining time to rest and losing my sense of being a superwoman who needs no rest and who can do it all, sleep little and start again tomorrow. Being a superwoman is one of my dearest self-imposed labels, so no wonder I find it hard to change. The payoff for this change is not as evident as I wish it to be. I will rest after I finish writing this piece. And after finishing reading that article on self-image. And after spending some time with my children when they get home.
For now, I still enjoy thinking of myself as a superwoman more than I need to rest. Yet, I am aware the time for a reckoning is approaching. Soon enough, I might need to change my definition of a superwoman to include mandatory rest.