“That was so stupid! How could I do that? What was I thinking of?”
No answer, just feeling defeated. Ashamed for messing up. It is not a conversation between two people but rather between you and … you.
A snippet of self-talk when something didn’t turn out as well as you wanted. Or maybe when your reaction was one you wish you could take back.
I, too have these conversations with myself. There was a time when I would identify with the loudest voice. That critical one, the one drowning out all others. I was thinking that was who I was. But if that was ALL of me, who was the one feeling ashamed? My answer - still me, but again, not ALL of me.
While training to become a counsellor, reading about person-centred theory and practice, I came across the term “the gang inside”, and it made sense instantly. The word “gang” has vibes of disruption, violence and conflict. It is this last point, the one of conflict - that has sparked my interest. I adopted it and now I often use it when I work on inner turmoil.
There lives a gang inside every one of us. As a disclaimer, I am not talking about multiple personality disorders here, but about the fighting raging inside ourselves sometimes.
This “gang inside” is made up of different parts of our personality, each with its own voice and agenda. Some voices are more critical and judgmental, while others are more supportive and encouraging. It’s part of being human. The hard part is when we start to identify predominantly with one of these voices, as at that point, we raise that voice in rank, and it can become the gang leader. It becomes more vocal, it takes up more space, and it drives the agenda. Usually, it is the one responsible for self-sabotage, self-criticism or/and self-doubt.
Tackling this leader head-on will be met with resistance, as no gang leader willingly gives away their power. In my work, with myself and my clients, I exercise caution and invite in a curious attitude. When does this leader come out to play? What attitudes and thought patterns give it power? What parts of myself am I neglecting by thinking this is ALL of me?
It’s almost like being a detective. You empower a part of yourself to be an impartial observer. Following the inner clues, fostering curiosity and building self-awareness, you put together a clearer picture of how the different parts of you interact.
Self-awareness leads to trigger recognition. You learn to identify the situations and emotions that make you more susceptible to self-doubt and self-criticism. Once you understand the “games” you play with yourself, you can take the next step.
One effective approach is to promote inner dialogue. Listen without interrupting. Acknowledge. Instead of shutting down or dismissing one part or another, facilitate a conversation. Ask them what they are trying to tell you, what they are afraid of, or what they need. By listening to their concerns, you can often uncover the underlying fears or insecurities driving their negative self-talk.
Life is often busy, and it is easy to miss the inner clues telling me something’s wrong. I am not talking about the natural ebb and flow of energy and enthusiasm. But of that persistent feeling of something not being ok. What is that something? What message does it carry? How is it relevant?
At this point, it is easy to feel lost. You invested time and energy identifying strongly with one part of yourself. Any questioning threatens that part. So it creates distractions. Nothing to see here. Just tired, just disappointed with the lack of progress, just bored. When I find myself going down that route, I pause. I ask a simple question: what if I knew what the issue was? How would that look? I bypass the resistance by playing a game of pretend. Because it is a game, it does not threaten the status quo, but gives me important clues.
So what? Why is it important to know all of this? Why did I just “take” 3 minutes of your life inviting you to read about “voices” and “the gang inside”?
For one, you are not the only one feeling like you are going crazy sometimes with all the inner fights.
Secondly, the amount of emotional and psychological energy spent with these inner arguments can be put to better use. It can fuel your dreams. Your loved ones. Or your hobbies.
And lastly, it influences the quality of your life. You can choose how these dialogues pan out.
Working with this gang inside is not about completely silencing the voices we dislike. Instead, it's about creating a more balanced inner dialogue, one that reflects the full spectrum of our being. When we embrace the diversity of our inner voices, we can cultivate a more harmonious and empowering relationship with ourselves.
*I first came across the metaphor of a gang inside in an article by David Acres ‘Configurations of self:” “the gang inside”’. The author attributed the term to John Jenkinson.