That big idea that was supposed to change the world? Left to gather dust in the corner of the mind.
The plan to start that book? Viciously demolished by inner nay-sayers.
The post about how perfectionism kills creativity? Postponed for a few weeks. Until now.
In the past few months, I have read extensively about writing. It’s something I enjoyed ever since I was a third grader. I know it's pretty stereotypical, but I was that child who could spend hours reading and many more imagining worlds and words. Putting words on paper to create new worlds.
Yet, there is an element of profound fear every time I start writing. For me, writing means taking something from within and expressing it. It means exposure. And with exposure comes vulnerability. What if it isn’t good enough? The truth is, more often than not, it may not be good enough. But I find more value in sharing my struggles than in the safety of closed-off inner spaces.
Perfectionism has more than one facet. It can be insidious, and for a long time, I wasn’t even aware of how it manifested in my life. Perfectionism often colludes with procrastination, creating the perfect storm of increased pressure, anxiety and fear of failure. It becomes even more complicated to shoulder when I start something new that I find challenging. In those moments, doing the dishes, decluttering a corner of the wardrobe, or sorting paperwork becomes urgent and essential.
For me, writing means taking something from within and expressing it. It means exposure. And with exposure comes vulnerability. What if it isn’t good enough?
Perfectionism’s dimensions are: self-oriented (when you have high standards for yourself), other-oriented (demanding perfection from others) and socially prescribed (pressure to be perfect imposed on the self - fed by others’ perceived expectations of you). It will be one of the causes of increased feelings of anxiety, depressive states and self-dissatisfaction in your life. It is usually deeply rooted, so that you might identify with it. But it doesn’t have to be like that.
There are ways to cope with it and to free yourself from its demands. One of the most valuable skills you can develop is flexibility.
What do I mean by flexibility? I use flexibility to describe the ability to define success in multiple ways. Perfectionism is often linked with all-or-nothing thinking - either I succeed or fail. Flexibility means I can look at my mistakes as learning opportunities, understanding what I did well and what I can improve on. You can start by making small, deliberate mistakes and not correct them. Or you can deliberately alter one of your routines. The more you cringe at the above ideas, the more likely you’ll benefit from them.
There are other ways as well - challenge your assumptions, break down your goals, work on shifting your focus from what you failed to achieve to what you completed and learnt. You can also practice mindfulness, do breath work, or take a break.
What works for me is facing the uncomfortable feeling of maybe getting things wrong. When I notice I start procrastinating and finding excuses, I know to slow down and ask myself why. And then shift my focus back to what I was avoiding. More often than not, this way, I push through the procrastination.
Perfectionism doesn’t have to be a guest at your table forever. The least you can accomplish is you can teach it to be a more polite guest and not monopolise the conversation. Because, despite what perfectionism would have you believe, you deserve a peaceful mealtime.